I never expected A levels to be so hard.
It's like no matter how much you study, it's never enough.
Maybe I'm not hardworking enough. Or not smart enough. But all that I know is I don't like what I'm studying right now. And I'm not sure what to do with my life anymore as reality creeps in and plops itself down right in front of me.
In class, I keep slipping off during lectures. Like I'm listening and paying attention then suddenly I get lost while the teacher goes on with the lesson.
I get pressure from the people around me. There are so many extremely smart thinkers around me, and they could understand what the teacher had taught after a lecture while I'm still in the midst of being blur and confused. And I keep wondering why others could do it while I could not. Is it a matter of the ability, or is it just a matter of attitude? We all study the same thing, the same lecturers, the same syllables, but why, why can others excel while I still remain slow and trying hard but in vain to grasp myself to the same level as the others?
And I still don't have a single idea on what I want to pursue in the future.
I just don't know. Maybe I need a longer time to cope with all my burdens.
Maybe I'm just thinking too much.
I really don't know. I feel so lost, so freaking lost.
But I know and I'm sure that there's still one thing that will always keep me moving on, even if I can feel my world crashing in. Faith.
Saturday, 4 October 2014
Tuesday, 10 June 2014
I Let Him Go
I did.
We met each other when I was in Form 1 and he was in Form 3. It happened during a Red Crescent camp in school. I was a member and he was an AJK. And the first time he saw me, he was my victim and I was his first aider.
Maybe it was fate. Destiny. Or love at first sight for him.
After camp ended, he added me on Facebook and MSN. He asked me if it was weird to ask for my phone number. Smiling at the other end of MSN, I shook my head and gave it to him. He asked me if it would be weird to buy me souvenirs from Korea which he would be going to for vacation. He didn't know me well, but he wanted to buy me something from far away.
He got me a Korean bookmark and little Korean figurines.
When I was in Form 2, I received my first Valentine's gift. From him. He said he wanted to borrow me his book and asked me to meet him outside the school hall. And when I did, he gave me the book, with a bar of Cadbury beneath it. I love chocolate, and he knew it. My heart was about to explode on the inside while I remained calm and cool on the outside. When I walked away, I couldn't help but let my pumping device flutter in joy.
In Form 3, he gave me a Wimpy Kid story book and a bar of chocolate for Valentines. And on my 15th birthday that year, he organized a surprise birthday party for me. It takes a lot of effort for someone to organize something, you know, especially a party. But he did it anyway for me. He even had his mum bake a birthday cake for me. And he gave me beautiful silver bracelet as a birthday gift in a love-shaped box filled with more than a hundred paper stars he folded himself.
He sacrificed a lot of his precious time for me. Everytime when I had to wait for my parents to come and pick me up from school or something, he waited with me until my car came. Everytime I had to walk to SJK Chung Hua from my school after class ended, he followed me like a bodyguard, even when Christina walked with me. He wanted to protect me, to keep me from harm. He wanted to keep me safe and sound.
He trusted me. No matter what I did, he trusted me real deep. He accepted me for who I was, the girl who seldom replied his messages, the girl who wore saggy clothes, the girl who did not know how to cherish.
There was this one time where I made a deal with him. If he got top 3 in his class, I promised to go out for a movie with him. And he did. He studied real hard and made it there. For that deal which I didn't keep.
After he finished his Form 5, he gave me all his workbooks and reference books which were very useful and helpful. For free. One big box of them. He gave them to me instead of his younger brother. He even bought some from his friends and added them to that box of books.
He was a really nice guy. A guy who was dedicated and committed and kind and...you name it. He treated me like I was the only girl in the world to him. Woah. But I treated him like bullshit. I was wrong. I bailed out. I did not think clearly. I was being freaking stupid.
But when it's all over and the line's drawn with permanent ink, there's nothing else you can do anymore to fix those broken pieces. It's like saying you want to turn back time. But that's impossible.
And all you're left with is regret.
Maybe it was destiny. Maybe it was fate.
Maybe it was a lesson for me to never repeat the same mistake ever again.
We met each other when I was in Form 1 and he was in Form 3. It happened during a Red Crescent camp in school. I was a member and he was an AJK. And the first time he saw me, he was my victim and I was his first aider.
Maybe it was fate. Destiny. Or love at first sight for him.
After camp ended, he added me on Facebook and MSN. He asked me if it was weird to ask for my phone number. Smiling at the other end of MSN, I shook my head and gave it to him. He asked me if it would be weird to buy me souvenirs from Korea which he would be going to for vacation. He didn't know me well, but he wanted to buy me something from far away.
He got me a Korean bookmark and little Korean figurines.
When I was in Form 2, I received my first Valentine's gift. From him. He said he wanted to borrow me his book and asked me to meet him outside the school hall. And when I did, he gave me the book, with a bar of Cadbury beneath it. I love chocolate, and he knew it. My heart was about to explode on the inside while I remained calm and cool on the outside. When I walked away, I couldn't help but let my pumping device flutter in joy.
In Form 3, he gave me a Wimpy Kid story book and a bar of chocolate for Valentines. And on my 15th birthday that year, he organized a surprise birthday party for me. It takes a lot of effort for someone to organize something, you know, especially a party. But he did it anyway for me. He even had his mum bake a birthday cake for me. And he gave me beautiful silver bracelet as a birthday gift in a love-shaped box filled with more than a hundred paper stars he folded himself.
He sacrificed a lot of his precious time for me. Everytime when I had to wait for my parents to come and pick me up from school or something, he waited with me until my car came. Everytime I had to walk to SJK Chung Hua from my school after class ended, he followed me like a bodyguard, even when Christina walked with me. He wanted to protect me, to keep me from harm. He wanted to keep me safe and sound.
He trusted me. No matter what I did, he trusted me real deep. He accepted me for who I was, the girl who seldom replied his messages, the girl who wore saggy clothes, the girl who did not know how to cherish.
There was this one time where I made a deal with him. If he got top 3 in his class, I promised to go out for a movie with him. And he did. He studied real hard and made it there. For that deal which I didn't keep.
After he finished his Form 5, he gave me all his workbooks and reference books which were very useful and helpful. For free. One big box of them. He gave them to me instead of his younger brother. He even bought some from his friends and added them to that box of books.
He was a really nice guy. A guy who was dedicated and committed and kind and...you name it. He treated me like I was the only girl in the world to him. Woah. But I treated him like bullshit. I was wrong. I bailed out. I did not think clearly. I was being freaking stupid.
But when it's all over and the line's drawn with permanent ink, there's nothing else you can do anymore to fix those broken pieces. It's like saying you want to turn back time. But that's impossible.
And all you're left with is regret.
Maybe it was destiny. Maybe it was fate.
Maybe it was a lesson for me to never repeat the same mistake ever again.
Friday, 6 June 2014
Weirdo
I like being weird. It's not like I am acting and being FAKE WEIRD. It's something I do which makes me pretty happy.
I tell you my policies of my life and you ask me to please stop being weird.
I tell you random stuff and you call me a weirdo.
You can call me any fucking names you like.
You can tell me to stop acting weird and all that shit.
But I won't stop revolving around my globe of weirdness.
Thank you.
I tell you my policies of my life and you ask me to please stop being weird.
I tell you random stuff and you call me a weirdo.
You can call me any fucking names you like.
You can tell me to stop acting weird and all that shit.
But I won't stop revolving around my globe of weirdness.
Thank you.
Sunday, 25 May 2014
Thomas Cup 2014
But behind those blazing inferno you see, there are something more inside them players. I wonder how they feel when a match is about to start. Anxious? Nervous? Confident? And how they feel during a match. And what does one feel when one does mistakes like out balls. Especially when the whole world is watching. When the whole nation hopes on you. When you're in the last match which will determine whose hands the Thomas Cup will be in. When the points are so close and your opponent has the game point.
That pressure. With the eyes of your country and the eyes of people around the world on you, that pressure must be so much heavier than being squashed by a big Yeti.
And I wonder how they feel after a match. What do they feel when they win? Proud? Happy? Outstanding? What about when they lose? Disappointed? Hopeless? Useless? Do players quit because they lose one Thomas Cup match? Or do they keep calm and dig out their mistakes and learn from them?
I watched the match between Daren Liew and Takuma Euda. It was quite an interesting match, and a sad one too, but also a beautiful one. When Daren Liew lost points or made mistakes, I was like OH NO PLEASE NO FOCUS LIEW FOCUS. And I wonder if that was also what he had on his mind. Or not. And when Euda nailed 21 on the last round, Liew dropped his badminton racket. Was that disappointment? Sorrow? Anger? The racket slipped out of his grip gently. Like someone letting go of a rope he held on for so long, knowing that no one's going to pull him up, and let himself fall into a black pit. I might have exaggerated this but that's just what came to my mind. I wonder what his coach would say to him. What he'd say to his coach. I wonder what people think of him. What Takuma thinks. What Japanese thinks. What the whole world thinks. And what he himself thinks of what other people think of him.
But still, our players are awesome. All players are pretty awesome. Being able to summon up courage and play while the whole world watches. Being able to gather people together to witness the same wonderful thing. Being able to spark up positive spirits in people. And becoming an inspiration to many around the world. These players are amazing. Badminton is amazing.
Thomas Cup is undeniably amazing.
Sunday, 18 May 2014
Stop
Have you ever had this weird experience whereby you stop doing something you used to do, or you once loved to do, or something you once had a burning passion for, something you once had a freaking talent at?
Here's an example of what I'm typing about. My aunt, who is my mother's younger sister, used to draw and paint like a pro when she was younger. Some of her artworks were hung all over my grandma's house. She even sold her masterpieces once in some exhibition or something. She was very very artistic, and if she continued to sharpen her skills and keep drawing and painting, I bet she'd be an artist featured on Instagram or some other websites. But no. She stopped. Had a job, got married, had a family. She stopped. Her job working in a bank takes up many hours of her life. So she stopped drawing and painting. Stopped creating masterpieces which she used to compose. I remembered this time which I went to her house when I was a kid and she taught me, my sister and her daughters how to paint. Once. And since then I never saw her paint again.
I learnt Taekwondo before during my primary school years. I don't remember when I started learning but I remember that we all started with THE WHITE BELT. We had to take tests to "upgrade" our belts, like going up level by level. Here's how it works: http://www.butf.com/belts.htm
Ok so I took test after test and ended up getting THE GREEN BELT. And after that, I stopped learning.
After Taekwondo, my mum sent the three of us, my brother, my sister and I to Wushu lessons. We had two coaches teaching us, a very kind and passionate couple. I found Wushu a very beautiful kind of martial art because within Wushu, there are many different types of styles you can learn and different weapons you can equip yourself with. CLICK HERE to know more about various Wushu styles. I was kind of good in Wushu, and was even given a chance to take part in a Wushu competition once. I won a silver medal in the 南拳 (Southern Fist) category, and the 4th in the sword category (but here I was counted as the last cause there were only 4 person in it haha) and I even had a Wushu costume made to wear for the competition. I continued learning until I was in Form 2, and I stopped. After all those years of painful stretching, tired running, swords, fists and wooden poles, I stopped. My coaches used to pick me up from my house early in the morning to Bukit Lima Park for Wushu lessons when I was in Form 1 and Form 2, and treated me breakfasts at nearby coffee shops, but I stopped. Their kindness was overwhelming, but I stopped.
And squash. I started learning around Form 2. Me, my sister and my brother. I had no talents in playing squash, which was pretty obvious from the way I handled the racket to the way I smacked the ball to the way I ran to catch the ball. But I continued learning anyway, for months, until a competition came. It was in Miri, known as Miri Leg. Well, my brother and I got last positions as beginners in that competition. I lost my match to an 11 year old girl. That's freaking embarrassing for me. Then when Sibu Leg came, meaning a squash competition in Sibu, I got second last, which was still pretty embarrassing because everyone in my category were much younger than me. Primary school kids. And so, realizing that I had no hope to proceed with any more squash training, I stopped. Even when the squash committee invited a professional coach all the way from Pakistan to train Sibu players, I still sucked at playing. So I stopped.
Sometimes we really do stop doing pretty much stuff that we used to do. What if we held on longer and things would be different? What if we're just a millimeter close to an extreme change, but we give up? What if that particular thing we used to do was the thing that truly made us happy, but we stopped?
Here's an example of what I'm typing about. My aunt, who is my mother's younger sister, used to draw and paint like a pro when she was younger. Some of her artworks were hung all over my grandma's house. She even sold her masterpieces once in some exhibition or something. She was very very artistic, and if she continued to sharpen her skills and keep drawing and painting, I bet she'd be an artist featured on Instagram or some other websites. But no. She stopped. Had a job, got married, had a family. She stopped. Her job working in a bank takes up many hours of her life. So she stopped drawing and painting. Stopped creating masterpieces which she used to compose. I remembered this time which I went to her house when I was a kid and she taught me, my sister and her daughters how to paint. Once. And since then I never saw her paint again.
I learnt Taekwondo before during my primary school years. I don't remember when I started learning but I remember that we all started with THE WHITE BELT. We had to take tests to "upgrade" our belts, like going up level by level. Here's how it works: http://www.butf.com/belts.htm
Ok so I took test after test and ended up getting THE GREEN BELT. And after that, I stopped learning.
After Taekwondo, my mum sent the three of us, my brother, my sister and I to Wushu lessons. We had two coaches teaching us, a very kind and passionate couple. I found Wushu a very beautiful kind of martial art because within Wushu, there are many different types of styles you can learn and different weapons you can equip yourself with. CLICK HERE to know more about various Wushu styles. I was kind of good in Wushu, and was even given a chance to take part in a Wushu competition once. I won a silver medal in the 南拳 (Southern Fist) category, and the 4th in the sword category (but here I was counted as the last cause there were only 4 person in it haha) and I even had a Wushu costume made to wear for the competition. I continued learning until I was in Form 2, and I stopped. After all those years of painful stretching, tired running, swords, fists and wooden poles, I stopped. My coaches used to pick me up from my house early in the morning to Bukit Lima Park for Wushu lessons when I was in Form 1 and Form 2, and treated me breakfasts at nearby coffee shops, but I stopped. Their kindness was overwhelming, but I stopped.
And squash. I started learning around Form 2. Me, my sister and my brother. I had no talents in playing squash, which was pretty obvious from the way I handled the racket to the way I smacked the ball to the way I ran to catch the ball. But I continued learning anyway, for months, until a competition came. It was in Miri, known as Miri Leg. Well, my brother and I got last positions as beginners in that competition. I lost my match to an 11 year old girl. That's freaking embarrassing for me. Then when Sibu Leg came, meaning a squash competition in Sibu, I got second last, which was still pretty embarrassing because everyone in my category were much younger than me. Primary school kids. And so, realizing that I had no hope to proceed with any more squash training, I stopped. Even when the squash committee invited a professional coach all the way from Pakistan to train Sibu players, I still sucked at playing. So I stopped.
Sometimes we really do stop doing pretty much stuff that we used to do. What if we held on longer and things would be different? What if we're just a millimeter close to an extreme change, but we give up? What if that particular thing we used to do was the thing that truly made us happy, but we stopped?
Saturday, 10 May 2014
Human Heat
This is not a post about science. Or about the human body temperature. Or thermal equilibrium.
Humans heat up quite easily. The inner kind of heat which starts up when one gets angry or upset. That kind of heat scares me.
This morning, my mum and I went to town and drove round and round to look for an available parking space so we could go to the Central Market. We waited behind one white Kenari which waited for a Kancil to reverse out from its parking space so that the Kenari could park. The Kenari driver didn't notice that there was another car (I forgot what car it was so let's call it The Grey Car) which was there EARLIER than the Kenari, waiting to park in the place of the Kancil. So when the Kenari parked into that place which was supposed to be The Grey Car's place, The Grey Car's driver immediately got down from his car, slammed the car door and marched up to the Kenari's driver in full fury. Yes. I could feel human heat radiating from his facial expression and his walk. I thought he was going to stir up a fight or something but luckily the Kenari driver pulled away from that parking spot and gave it up to The Grey Car. Phew.
Just now, my mum, grandma, sister, brother and I went to Anson for dinner. And as I had expected, it was full. So we had to do the same old thing people always do there. WAIT. So we waited and waited and then there was this table of people which finished their meals and stood up and walked away and so we went to sit down but realized there were three other people waiting for the same table too. But my grandma sat down fast and my mum insisted us to just sit down. I felt really sorry for those three people and I saw their disappointed faces when they walked away. One of them frowned and shook her head and once again I could feel that human heat. Sigh.
I wish Anson would make a waiting list or something. It hurts to look at people trying to "fight" for available tables. Not real fights but there's always this kind of tension in between. Oh...I don't know. Maybe I'm too sensitive.
Human heat is actually alright because everyone has it, including myself. But too much of it will stir up chaos and cause catastrophe.
Humans heat up quite easily. The inner kind of heat which starts up when one gets angry or upset. That kind of heat scares me.
This morning, my mum and I went to town and drove round and round to look for an available parking space so we could go to the Central Market. We waited behind one white Kenari which waited for a Kancil to reverse out from its parking space so that the Kenari could park. The Kenari driver didn't notice that there was another car (I forgot what car it was so let's call it The Grey Car) which was there EARLIER than the Kenari, waiting to park in the place of the Kancil. So when the Kenari parked into that place which was supposed to be The Grey Car's place, The Grey Car's driver immediately got down from his car, slammed the car door and marched up to the Kenari's driver in full fury. Yes. I could feel human heat radiating from his facial expression and his walk. I thought he was going to stir up a fight or something but luckily the Kenari driver pulled away from that parking spot and gave it up to The Grey Car. Phew.
Just now, my mum, grandma, sister, brother and I went to Anson for dinner. And as I had expected, it was full. So we had to do the same old thing people always do there. WAIT. So we waited and waited and then there was this table of people which finished their meals and stood up and walked away and so we went to sit down but realized there were three other people waiting for the same table too. But my grandma sat down fast and my mum insisted us to just sit down. I felt really sorry for those three people and I saw their disappointed faces when they walked away. One of them frowned and shook her head and once again I could feel that human heat. Sigh.
I wish Anson would make a waiting list or something. It hurts to look at people trying to "fight" for available tables. Not real fights but there's always this kind of tension in between. Oh...I don't know. Maybe I'm too sensitive.
Human heat is actually alright because everyone has it, including myself. But too much of it will stir up chaos and cause catastrophe.
Monday, 5 May 2014
Something Faster Than The Speed Of Light
The speed of light is 299792.458 km/s, which is 299 792 458 m/s.
Which is pretty fast.
Which is quicker than a cheetah or a Formula One race car.
The speed of time is unpredictable. It can run. It can creep.
And when time flies, it's even faster than the speed of light. In a special kind of way.
There's always this kind of indescribable sensation in one's soul when they realize suddenly that time flies.
Which is pretty fast.
Which is quicker than a cheetah or a Formula One race car.
The speed of time is unpredictable. It can run. It can creep.
And when time flies, it's even faster than the speed of light. In a special kind of way.
 |
| You cannot stop time when it flies |
Like when you're going to college soon and realize that two years of kindergarten, six years of primary school and five years of secondary school are over. That our once BIG examinations like UPSR, PMR and SPM are over. That your friend who have been in the same school with you since kindergarten will no longer be in the same college as you. That classmates are no longer classmates and each and everyone will be walking their own paths. That you have lost contact with some of them. That you've retired from your post as an exco in the Red Crescent Society in school and don't have to attend early morning meetings anymore. That you got your driver's licence and could drive on your own already. That you own your very first ATM Card.
You realize you become more independent. Like being able to pack your own stuff and leave home for some time. Like driving to the grocery store alone to buy milk.
You realize you can make decisions easily without asking your parents like how you did long ago. Like purchasing clothes you think are nice. Like going out with friends.
You realize things change a lot. Your looks. Your accessories. Your hobbies. Your habits. Your sleep cycle. Your thoughts. Your feelings. Your fears. Your family. Your circle of friends. Your social life. Your personal life.
When time flies, it won't stop. Not even if you chase it. Not even if you offer it with money and possessions. Not even if you kneel down and beg for it. When it flies, it will never come back.
Tuesday, 29 April 2014
Lucky
I once had a dog called Lucky when I was a kid. But I guess he wasn't that lucky at all.
On one particularly random day, my sister and I with our crazy imagination decided to make a birthday cake for Lucky, our white energetic furball. It wasn't his birthday, but we imagined that it was. So we made a really special cake out of soil and other stuff which I don't really remember and presented it to Lucky. We even sang Happy Birthday to him.
That night, Lucky died.
My dad left the gate open when he went out to buy us supper. Lucky saw his chance to venture out so he ran out of the gate without us noticing. When my dad came back on his motorbike, there's was this white thing in his motorbike basket. My dad cuddled it in his arms and I took a closer look and that was when I realized it was Lucky. With blood stains on his fur. Stiff as a statue. Dead.
He got ran over by a car.
I cried and cried while my dad wrapped him up in newspapers and buried him.
That night was a really sad night. Lucky was my first pet dog.
And I never celebrated any of my pets' birthday again.
On one particularly random day, my sister and I with our crazy imagination decided to make a birthday cake for Lucky, our white energetic furball. It wasn't his birthday, but we imagined that it was. So we made a really special cake out of soil and other stuff which I don't really remember and presented it to Lucky. We even sang Happy Birthday to him.
That night, Lucky died.
My dad left the gate open when he went out to buy us supper. Lucky saw his chance to venture out so he ran out of the gate without us noticing. When my dad came back on his motorbike, there's was this white thing in his motorbike basket. My dad cuddled it in his arms and I took a closer look and that was when I realized it was Lucky. With blood stains on his fur. Stiff as a statue. Dead.
He got ran over by a car.
I cried and cried while my dad wrapped him up in newspapers and buried him.
That night was a really sad night. Lucky was my first pet dog.
And I never celebrated any of my pets' birthday again.
Saturday, 26 April 2014
Superman Everywhere
Last night when my family and I went to Farley, my sister and I noticed something funny - While walking here and there, we would spot some random girl or guy wearing a Superman t-shirt. We counted. And there were like about 5 to 6 people wearing a Superman t-shirt. And there was this little kid who wore a Superman pyjamas.
And that night BEFORE going to Farley, I decided to put on my Batman t-shirt instead of my Superman t-shirt.
Teehee :D
It's Finally Revealed
After waiting for some time after Petronas Youngstars Day, our results came out on the 25th of April! I had a few problems trying to log in but finally I did and TAAAAAAAAAADDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HERE'S MY RESULT!!!
I failed to obtain the scholarship.
Well, it wasn't exactly a big disappointment for me, cause I'm not 100% sure if I wanted to become an engineer, and I didn't aim for it 100%. But still, I felt kind of sad and happy at the same time. ONCE AGAIN. MIXED FEELINGS.
I was happy because I kind of got an answer from God. Cause some time around the interview I told God that if He wanted me to become a engineer, He'd give me this scholarship (I chose mechanical engineering and chemical engineering during application). And if He has others arrangements for me, then I'd follow His plans. And now He didn't grant me this scholarship, which means He has better things in store for me when I go on with my A-levels in Sunway. And I'm taking Biology. In case God wants me to pursue something else instead of those engineering fields which don't require Biology.
And for the sad part...well, it shows that I didn't do well for the interview. I could not speak as good as others, nor present good points and suggestions to the issue given to me. I showed no leadership skills. I had no abilities in doing those things. No matter how hard I try I still couldn't find that inner confidence hidden somewhere inside of me. Or maybe it isn't there at all. See, I'm doubting myself.
And I feel even sadder when I think of my parents who hope I get this scholarship because being able to graduate and work for Petronas is something many people dream of having. Cause you don't have to spend a cent on the whole journey of education until you graduate (but you have to meet up the requirements) and if you work for Petronas you're gonna be rich. Something like that. It guarantees you a bright future. My parents spent so much money just to get me to Petronas Youngstars Day. Flight tickets. Baju kurung. And their precious time. My aunt even offered to iron my baju kurung for me the night before the big day. Which made me feel guilty for wasting her energy.
But after sometime doing some self-reflecting and inner-pondering, I managed to crawl out of that sadness and believe in that happiness. I took this whole thing as a valuable experience for me to learn from. It taught me that out there, there are lots of people who are better than I am, and lots of people who are better than they are, but everyone has their own special abilities, their own seasons to shine and their own moments of glory. It taught me that academic results don't define everything about a person, and that it takes more than that to achieve something. It taught me that confidence is pretty crucial especially when one speaks. It taught me that it's okay to make mistakes as long as I learn from them. It taught me that my parents really love me and they would do anything for me to ensure that I have a glowing future.
And it taught me to trust God's plans cause God will direct me along the path He knows is the best for me.
"Nevermind!! You know, actually going to college is a good thing too. You can learn and improve yourself on these things and prepare better for the future. We must learn together. All of us have things we need to work on. Behold, our future is bright!!!" ---Kimberley Chew
"NONONONO YOU CAN'T THINK LIKE THIS. Don't zhi bei. Once zhi bei you lose everything." ---Emily Lau
I failed to obtain the scholarship.
Well, it wasn't exactly a big disappointment for me, cause I'm not 100% sure if I wanted to become an engineer, and I didn't aim for it 100%. But still, I felt kind of sad and happy at the same time. ONCE AGAIN. MIXED FEELINGS.
I was happy because I kind of got an answer from God. Cause some time around the interview I told God that if He wanted me to become a engineer, He'd give me this scholarship (I chose mechanical engineering and chemical engineering during application). And if He has others arrangements for me, then I'd follow His plans. And now He didn't grant me this scholarship, which means He has better things in store for me when I go on with my A-levels in Sunway. And I'm taking Biology. In case God wants me to pursue something else instead of those engineering fields which don't require Biology.
And for the sad part...well, it shows that I didn't do well for the interview. I could not speak as good as others, nor present good points and suggestions to the issue given to me. I showed no leadership skills. I had no abilities in doing those things. No matter how hard I try I still couldn't find that inner confidence hidden somewhere inside of me. Or maybe it isn't there at all. See, I'm doubting myself.
And I feel even sadder when I think of my parents who hope I get this scholarship because being able to graduate and work for Petronas is something many people dream of having. Cause you don't have to spend a cent on the whole journey of education until you graduate (but you have to meet up the requirements) and if you work for Petronas you're gonna be rich. Something like that. It guarantees you a bright future. My parents spent so much money just to get me to Petronas Youngstars Day. Flight tickets. Baju kurung. And their precious time. My aunt even offered to iron my baju kurung for me the night before the big day. Which made me feel guilty for wasting her energy.
But after sometime doing some self-reflecting and inner-pondering, I managed to crawl out of that sadness and believe in that happiness. I took this whole thing as a valuable experience for me to learn from. It taught me that out there, there are lots of people who are better than I am, and lots of people who are better than they are, but everyone has their own special abilities, their own seasons to shine and their own moments of glory. It taught me that academic results don't define everything about a person, and that it takes more than that to achieve something. It taught me that confidence is pretty crucial especially when one speaks. It taught me that it's okay to make mistakes as long as I learn from them. It taught me that my parents really love me and they would do anything for me to ensure that I have a glowing future.
And it taught me to trust God's plans cause God will direct me along the path He knows is the best for me.
"Nevermind!! You know, actually going to college is a good thing too. You can learn and improve yourself on these things and prepare better for the future. We must learn together. All of us have things we need to work on. Behold, our future is bright!!!" ---Kimberley Chew
"NONONONO YOU CAN'T THINK LIKE THIS. Don't zhi bei. Once zhi bei you lose everything." ---Emily Lau
Petronas Youngstars Day 2014 (Part 2)
After those tests, we had lunch. Eunice and I started talking to two girls who were from Sarikei. One was called Annie and one was Winnie. Girls from the same school. Pretty cool. After lunch, it was the verbal test, the one I feared the most. Group B was brought into a room with 4 tables. There were 16 of us, and we were divided into small groups with 4 each. In my small group, there's Jazlan (Malay-Chinese Boy), Najah (Malay girl) and Eva (Iban girl). We got to know each other. They were really friendly and I remembered that Najah kept smiling at me whenever I looked at her :)
Each group was given 4 papers on the same topic which was Education Policy but each member has a different education policy. We were then given 30 minutes to think of points and suggestions and stuff I didn't really get according to the requirements on our own paper without discussing with anyone except our own minds. So after I read my paper I was like "Okay. I understand everything that's written here but I DON'T FREAKING UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS WHOLE THING WANTS DANG IT I'M DEAD MEAT." But still I brainstormed points for my paper even though I think they're already out of the topic.
The interview was divided into two parts, INDIVIDUAL INTERVIEW and GROUP INTERVIEW. We waited outside the interview room, clutching our papers and waiting for our turns. Eva was the first to go in, then Jazlan, then me, then Najah. When I went in, I was greeted by two interviewers. Both were Malays. They asked if I'm Christal, and asked me where I'm from. Then they invited me to sit on a chair. Then the request which made my heart skipped a beat, which I hoped they wouldn't make, which I had no idea how to answer, popped out from them, "Introduce yourself." Usually when people ask me to introduce myself, I'd start with my name. But since they knew my name already, my mind went blank. Then suddenly out of nowhere I blurted out, "I'm Chinese." THAT WAS A STUPID THING TO SAY. Both of them nod their heads but I could sense that in their minds they were like "Duh...OBVIOUSLY." I sounded so racist which I had no intention to do so.
I continued by talking about my hobbies and my family. Then after I was done introducing myself, the interviewers asked me to discuss about my points for my given paper. Dang it. I did pretty bad at it, talking non-stop on unrelated things and going out of topic. But people told me that for this, it doesn't matter if your answers are right or wrong. It's your response and actions towards the issues given to you that really count.
After the individual assessment, it was time for the group interview. The four of us walked in and greeted the two same interviewers. We were then seated according to our sequences. When we were all ready, Eva started the group discussion. BAM. I COULD SEE LEADERSHIP EXPLODING FROM HER. Each of us talked about our policy and I realised that I was really out of the topic so I simply said things and was like Yeah that's all I've got. Najah, Eva and Jazlan on the other hand spoke very confidently on their points. Man, they are really outstanding people. All I really did on the interview was support their points. I nodded my head at what they said and kept saying "Yes you're right", "Yes that's good" and something like that. At least I'm playing my part as a supportive team member I guess. While we discussed, the judges watched and observed. I felt so uncomfortable knowing that there were two pair of eyes watching our every step. We discussed until we chose the suitable policy as our conclusion and presented it to the interviewers. AND FINALLY THE INTERVIEW HAS ENDED!!!
We walked out of the room feeling free and unleashed. We took our tea break food, sat down and ate together. Najah and Jazlan used their phones to take selfies of all of us together. I told them that they were amazing. They really did well. Then I caught up with Eunice on her interview with her group and she told me that she felt like she talked out of topic too. My mum and aunt came early to pick me up so I said goodbye to everyone. Eva and Najah hugged me which was a very heartwarming way of parting. It was kind of weird you know, because at the beginning of the interview no one talked to each other except for his or her own friends and in the end we got to know new people but we had to part real fast and it was kind of saddening and happy at the same time. Mixed feelings. And it was really sad too having to say goodbye to Eunice. Life is truly a bowl of salad.
After the whole Petronas Youngstars Day, my mum and I enjoyed ourselves in Kuching for one more day.
We went shopping and eating at different places.
And I played with my cousin's tiny pet:
Then we flew back on the 16th of April, a very early flight in the morning.
By the way, I don't have the answer for that diagrammatic test question in Petronas Youngstars Day (Part 1) :P
Each group was given 4 papers on the same topic which was Education Policy but each member has a different education policy. We were then given 30 minutes to think of points and suggestions and stuff I didn't really get according to the requirements on our own paper without discussing with anyone except our own minds. So after I read my paper I was like "Okay. I understand everything that's written here but I DON'T FREAKING UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS WHOLE THING WANTS DANG IT I'M DEAD MEAT." But still I brainstormed points for my paper even though I think they're already out of the topic.
The interview was divided into two parts, INDIVIDUAL INTERVIEW and GROUP INTERVIEW. We waited outside the interview room, clutching our papers and waiting for our turns. Eva was the first to go in, then Jazlan, then me, then Najah. When I went in, I was greeted by two interviewers. Both were Malays. They asked if I'm Christal, and asked me where I'm from. Then they invited me to sit on a chair. Then the request which made my heart skipped a beat, which I hoped they wouldn't make, which I had no idea how to answer, popped out from them, "Introduce yourself." Usually when people ask me to introduce myself, I'd start with my name. But since they knew my name already, my mind went blank. Then suddenly out of nowhere I blurted out, "I'm Chinese." THAT WAS A STUPID THING TO SAY. Both of them nod their heads but I could sense that in their minds they were like "Duh...OBVIOUSLY." I sounded so racist which I had no intention to do so.
I continued by talking about my hobbies and my family. Then after I was done introducing myself, the interviewers asked me to discuss about my points for my given paper. Dang it. I did pretty bad at it, talking non-stop on unrelated things and going out of topic. But people told me that for this, it doesn't matter if your answers are right or wrong. It's your response and actions towards the issues given to you that really count.
After the individual assessment, it was time for the group interview. The four of us walked in and greeted the two same interviewers. We were then seated according to our sequences. When we were all ready, Eva started the group discussion. BAM. I COULD SEE LEADERSHIP EXPLODING FROM HER. Each of us talked about our policy and I realised that I was really out of the topic so I simply said things and was like Yeah that's all I've got. Najah, Eva and Jazlan on the other hand spoke very confidently on their points. Man, they are really outstanding people. All I really did on the interview was support their points. I nodded my head at what they said and kept saying "Yes you're right", "Yes that's good" and something like that. At least I'm playing my part as a supportive team member I guess. While we discussed, the judges watched and observed. I felt so uncomfortable knowing that there were two pair of eyes watching our every step. We discussed until we chose the suitable policy as our conclusion and presented it to the interviewers. AND FINALLY THE INTERVIEW HAS ENDED!!!
We walked out of the room feeling free and unleashed. We took our tea break food, sat down and ate together. Najah and Jazlan used their phones to take selfies of all of us together. I told them that they were amazing. They really did well. Then I caught up with Eunice on her interview with her group and she told me that she felt like she talked out of topic too. My mum and aunt came early to pick me up so I said goodbye to everyone. Eva and Najah hugged me which was a very heartwarming way of parting. It was kind of weird you know, because at the beginning of the interview no one talked to each other except for his or her own friends and in the end we got to know new people but we had to part real fast and it was kind of saddening and happy at the same time. Mixed feelings. And it was really sad too having to say goodbye to Eunice. Life is truly a bowl of salad.
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| My baju kurung has the same colour as the Petronas logo! |
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| It was a really memorable day for Eunice and I |
We went shopping and eating at different places.
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| Kuching's various kuihs and black soya bean |
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| ROCK AND ROLL |
Then we flew back on the 16th of April, a very early flight in the morning.
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| Engineers checking the plane |
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| What a beautiful day |
Petronas Youngstars Day 2014 (Part 1)
When I was shortlisted for this Petronas Youngstars Day, I got really thrilled and nervous because it was the first time that I joined something like this. I had been interviewed once before in Form 5 for the Sunway Pre-U scholarship, but it was really different because it was only a one to one interview whereby the interviewer asked questions while I answered.
Anyway before I went to the Petronas Youngstars Day, I googled up a few blogs of people who had attended this event before and absorbed in all the advice I could from their experiences. Their posts on this event are really helpful, so here they are: My Obscure Nook, Petronas Youngstars Day 2013 (Michelle Teoh), Petronas Youngstars Day 2013 (Gary Wong).
None of my friends were going with me to Petronas Youngstars Day, which kinda dragged me down cause of the fear of being alone. However, God knew that and He surprised me with a companion - Eunice!!! It had been a long time since I met her and she's attending the event on the same date as I was. I was so happy to have a friend there and that eased my pressure on this whole thing.
I was to attend this event on 15 April 2014. So on 14 April, my mum and I took an evening flight from Sibu to Kuching. We stayed at our grandmother's house as usual.
Random pictures on board the plane:
Night view of Kuching from plane window:
On the morning of 15 April 2014, I woke up full of anxiety. After getting prepared and ready in my Baju Kurung, we set out to Pullman Hotel which was the venue of Petronas Youngstars Day. It was my first time putting on a Baju Kurung so I felt kind of uneasy and weird when my mum and my aunt and I went to a coffee shop for light breakfast.It's not common to see a teenage Chinese girl walking around in a Baju Kurung in Kuching. But it made me feel special too haha. Anyway when I reached there for registration, I could see Eunice already lining up and she waved to me and I waved back super enthusiastically. I could see that everyone was smartly dressed. The boys wore really smart clothes and many of them have that kind of "engineer look" that my engineer uncle has. And all girls wore baju kurung except one Chinese girl who wore a dress and a cardigan and leggings. She looks like a really high class executive or manager.
During registration, the Petronas people gave us a recycling bag with booklets inside and our name tags.
They checked our documents. I saw a girl with incomplete documents talking to her mother on the phone about her problem. And I saw this one guy's envelop which got a "Incomplete" chop landed on it. Yikes.
After registration, we were provided breakfast which was really good. I talked to Eunice and caught up with her plans for her future. We talked about lots of stuff which killed off time until we were all called into a big hall for the briefing. Many Petronas people went on stage to brief us on different things. There was this one guy who asked "Who would like to work for Petronas in the future?" and once that question ended, EVERYONE in the hall shot up their hands like quicksilver except for me. Because honestly, I'm not 100% sure if I wanted to work for Petronas. But as everyone's hand was in the air, I raised my quietly too. Those who saw me probably thought I was one weird kid. But I'm being honest. Some would say that I'm being stupid I guess.
There were 3 groups this time, Group A, Group B and Group C. Eunice and I were both in Group B, which was a really big blessing for me. Group A was given the Verbal Test first, which was what you call the interview. Group B sat for the Maths and Science Test and the Critical Thinking Test first. Group C waited for both to finish. For the Maths and Science Test, the questions were from our Form 4 and Form 5 science subjects - Physics, Chemistry, Maths and Addmaths. All were multiple choice questions. OH YES WE WERE NOT ALLOWED TO USE CALCULATORS! Luckily only a few questions required counting (I suck at counting by heart). The Critical Thinking Test was kind of hard because it's nothing we learn in school. Before you sit for this test, please do some DIAGRAMMATIC TESTS online. They are a big help cause they'll open your mind to different ways of tackling those weird questions.
A diagrammatic test question:
(TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2...)
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| My first interview was for this. |
None of my friends were going with me to Petronas Youngstars Day, which kinda dragged me down cause of the fear of being alone. However, God knew that and He surprised me with a companion - Eunice!!! It had been a long time since I met her and she's attending the event on the same date as I was. I was so happy to have a friend there and that eased my pressure on this whole thing.
I was to attend this event on 15 April 2014. So on 14 April, my mum and I took an evening flight from Sibu to Kuching. We stayed at our grandmother's house as usual.
 |
| On the way to Sibu Airport |
Night view of Kuching from plane window:
On the morning of 15 April 2014, I woke up full of anxiety. After getting prepared and ready in my Baju Kurung, we set out to Pullman Hotel which was the venue of Petronas Youngstars Day. It was my first time putting on a Baju Kurung so I felt kind of uneasy and weird when my mum and my aunt and I went to a coffee shop for light breakfast.It's not common to see a teenage Chinese girl walking around in a Baju Kurung in Kuching. But it made me feel special too haha. Anyway when I reached there for registration, I could see Eunice already lining up and she waved to me and I waved back super enthusiastically. I could see that everyone was smartly dressed. The boys wore really smart clothes and many of them have that kind of "engineer look" that my engineer uncle has. And all girls wore baju kurung except one Chinese girl who wore a dress and a cardigan and leggings. She looks like a really high class executive or manager.
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| Candidates during registration. And I look like a blue jellyfish here. |
They checked our documents. I saw a girl with incomplete documents talking to her mother on the phone about her problem. And I saw this one guy's envelop which got a "Incomplete" chop landed on it. Yikes.
After registration, we were provided breakfast which was really good. I talked to Eunice and caught up with her plans for her future. We talked about lots of stuff which killed off time until we were all called into a big hall for the briefing. Many Petronas people went on stage to brief us on different things. There was this one guy who asked "Who would like to work for Petronas in the future?" and once that question ended, EVERYONE in the hall shot up their hands like quicksilver except for me. Because honestly, I'm not 100% sure if I wanted to work for Petronas. But as everyone's hand was in the air, I raised my quietly too. Those who saw me probably thought I was one weird kid. But I'm being honest. Some would say that I'm being stupid I guess.
There were 3 groups this time, Group A, Group B and Group C. Eunice and I were both in Group B, which was a really big blessing for me. Group A was given the Verbal Test first, which was what you call the interview. Group B sat for the Maths and Science Test and the Critical Thinking Test first. Group C waited for both to finish. For the Maths and Science Test, the questions were from our Form 4 and Form 5 science subjects - Physics, Chemistry, Maths and Addmaths. All were multiple choice questions. OH YES WE WERE NOT ALLOWED TO USE CALCULATORS! Luckily only a few questions required counting (I suck at counting by heart). The Critical Thinking Test was kind of hard because it's nothing we learn in school. Before you sit for this test, please do some DIAGRAMMATIC TESTS online. They are a big help cause they'll open your mind to different ways of tackling those weird questions.
A diagrammatic test question:
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| Guess which pattern comes next? |
Friday, 25 April 2014
The Other Side Of A Human
Everyone has their cartoon side I guess.
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| Me with my cap on |
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| Doodle me with her cap on |
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| Me with my camera |
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| Doodle me with her camera |
What Do I Want To Be In The Future?
It's kind of hard to answer the question above. When people ask me that, I just tell them that I'm not sure. I'm really not sure.
You see, when I was a kid, I dreamed of being a doctor when I grow up. My mother and my relatives used to keep telling me that I was meant to be one. It was set in my mind that in the future, becoming a doctor is the best thing ever among all other careers which I didn't know about.
When I got to Form 4 in secondary school, my dream changed. For my first exam on biology, I got 68 marks. It was not that bad...but still, that single paper crushed my ambition of pursuing the medical field. Because in my mind, how can one become a doctor if they suck at biology? One little change can make a big difference. So for Form 4 and Form 5, I did not do well in my biology papers. I literally gave up on biology and worked hard on other subjects. Plus my biology teachers for two years made biology boring. Their lessons never worked their way into my mind in class.
I changed my mind set and my goals into the field of engineering. I started to tell myself that I'm more suitable to become AN ENGINEER. I just talked myself into it. I told all my friends and my family that I am going to be an engineer one day. That I will work with machines. Work with maths. Work with devices. In those two years, Form 4 and Form 5, I would answer people that I will walk into the path of engineering.
But then I realized it's not engineering that I want 100%. I realized that I changed my mindset to engineering because I thought I had no chance in the medical field. I forced myself to believe that engineering is the only road to my success because my physics and addmaths are better than my biology according to my exam results. But being a doctor requires more than biology, it requires compassion, it requires patience, it requires a strong heart. Being an engineer requires more than physics or addmaths, it requires accurate decision-making, it requires careful consideration, it requires leadership. And all of them require PASSION. And I have not truly found mine yet because my passion now is in watching YouTube videos, doodling stuff, reading books, playing the piano...stuff like that.
Or maybe one day I'll become one of the Avengers :P
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| So full of uncertainties as I watch the world spin by. |
You see, when I was a kid, I dreamed of being a doctor when I grow up. My mother and my relatives used to keep telling me that I was meant to be one. It was set in my mind that in the future, becoming a doctor is the best thing ever among all other careers which I didn't know about.
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| My mum bought a toy doctor kit for me for my birthday. |
When I got to Form 4 in secondary school, my dream changed. For my first exam on biology, I got 68 marks. It was not that bad...but still, that single paper crushed my ambition of pursuing the medical field. Because in my mind, how can one become a doctor if they suck at biology? One little change can make a big difference. So for Form 4 and Form 5, I did not do well in my biology papers. I literally gave up on biology and worked hard on other subjects. Plus my biology teachers for two years made biology boring. Their lessons never worked their way into my mind in class.
I changed my mind set and my goals into the field of engineering. I started to tell myself that I'm more suitable to become AN ENGINEER. I just talked myself into it. I told all my friends and my family that I am going to be an engineer one day. That I will work with machines. Work with maths. Work with devices. In those two years, Form 4 and Form 5, I would answer people that I will walk into the path of engineering.
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| Engineering in my mind |
Anyway I have this thing for autism and schizophrenia in children. I get attracted to videos of autistic and schizophrenic children and watch a lot of these documentaries on YouTube. Here's a video about the world of a schizophrenic child:
I have this new dream of becoming a therapist to help these children but once again I'm not 100% sure.
So all I'll do now is to study hard during my Pre-U course, gain lots of experiences through different people and activities, and most importantly, lay everything in God's hands and trust His plans. I believe that one day, God's calling will awaken me and plant me in the field which God thinks is the best for me so I can grow into a special plant and beautify this world.
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| Marvel's Avengers |
Quote of the day: I don't know what tomorrow holds, but because I believe in Him, I know who holds tomorrow. ---Nick Vujicic
Blogging
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| Life is full of wonders, don't you think? |
It was my friend Kimberley ---> http://kimberleychew.blogspot.com/ who motivated me to start blogging. She told me that blogging is a really good training for writing skills.
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| This is Kimberley, who has the world in her hands :) |
And there's also my friend's (Zoe's) sister, Abigail, who owns this really beautiful blog of her own. http://dandelionying.blogspot.com/ Her interesting posts gave me the desire to do something like her, and so here's my blog haha :D
Quote Of The Day---A journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step.
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