Wednesday, 15 June 2016

Anything For You But This

This post is going to sound offensive to some people. 

I don't hate church. I just don't like going there.

It's tiring, you know, trying to believe in things that I don't really want to. Trying to commit myself to something I don't even prioritize. I can use all that time to SLEEP. Or to do other things that I am more interested in.  

Going to church is of course a responsibility to all Christians, a dedication and commitment to God whereby a Christian attends Sunday sermons to learn about God's words, to learn about the gospel, to attend the Holy Communion, and to strengthen his faith. To me, nothing changes whether I go or not go to church. I listen to preaches and sermons, but sometimes some things just don't make sense. There's no explanation to it, and it can be unacceptable for me. I know that not everything has an explanation, but in reality there are particular scenarios or events where everyone can accept without further questioning. In Christianity, there are still several happenings that I find it hard to accept, to believe in.

Stubborn me. But that's just the way it is to me. I have no intention of criticizing religious perceptions, histories, written facts and teachings. There is no wrong to believe in them. It all depends on the person.

Let's say, the power of prayers. Most of my friends believe in that. Once or twice, I did too. But as I grow I realize how powerful the mind can create things, to manipulate us into believing anything that satisfies us. Right now at this stage of life, for me, believing that God answered your prayer or God sent you a message is equivalent to your mind trying to make up an imaginary answer as a confirmation for you so you don't regret or feel any guilt at all in making a particular move or taking a particular action. And there's this thing that kinda bothers me. Whose prayer will God answer when both prayers are made at the same time? If a person prays for rain for a sign of confirmation, and when it rains, that person gets his answer. But what if, at the same time, there's that poor kid who has to walk home from school, soaked in rain, shivering in the cold? Fair enough?

To be honest, some things are just pure bullshit for me. 
*No offense*

But I have to try changing my perception of such pessimism to look at things as a glowing sun that can make flowers grow and bunnies hopping everywhere in green meadows. 

I'm trying for you.

Wednesday, 18 May 2016

Burnout

Burnout = physical or mental collapse due to overwork or stress

I guess I am almost close to that right now at this stage of med school. You'd probably be thinking, it's only your first year and first semester, and you're already burning out? 

It is solely peer pressure that is suffocating me. I keep asking myself questions like: Why can't I finish even a single past year paper while some finished a whole set? Why can't I remember as much as that person? Why do I not know this but he does? Why doesn't that person get tired or sleepy even he slept for only 3 hours while I do very easily even though I slept for 6 hours?

Maybe I'm just envious and jealous. Maybe I am not working diligently enough. Maybe I cannot accept the fact that my limits are there and I am in no position to compare with others. Maybe I should not compare and just focus on what I am able to do now. Maybe I am just not smart enough.

Most people in medicine school are super smart and this is a fact no one can deny. There are those who can answer almost every question you hurl at them; those who remember every single detail permanently in lecture slides; those who know a whole lot than what my walnut sized brain can retain; those who are always on the move and are efficiently updated; and those who don't come to lectures but can still pass exams with flying colors. I am neither one.

Are these the qualities of a true doctor? Am I in the right place? This thought haunts me and it haunts me more when exams are near, the period where you can see the power of hardworking people and smart people and genius people.

I just get so scared of being the one who will be lagging behind everything. I am so scared of failing medical school. I just feel like I cannot be certain of what I am doing right now, for example, studying. From what I heard from different people, there are those who study more than lecture notes, which means they study thick medical books, while I am racing with time to finish only lecture notes. Then, there are those who do group studying and work together to integrate everything that they have learned, while I do self studying. Some make their own notes, some do not do notes at all. All these make me doubt myself and my own methods of studying. I just don't know. 

Of course, it's not anyone's fault for being smarter or more hardcore or born genius. It's not anyone's fault for what I feel right now. It is my own control over my perception of this whole matter.

Friday, 26 February 2016

Heart Knots

This is complicated. I mean, feelings. You're feeling a feeling which you're not supposed to be feeling. It's like someone died and you're happy that the person passed away because he or she no longer has to suffer in this cruel sick world and yet everyone around you is mourning in extreme grief. And then you start to think that something is wrong with you because you're feeling differently. And then people start to think that something is wrong with you too.

Like you get jealous and envious of friends who had achieved great things when you know you're supposed to feel proud and happy for them.

And the hardest part about the whole thing is hiding. Trying to bury them away. All your true inner feelings at that exact moment. Imagine each feeling as a smooth piece of string you tie onto your finger or wrist or neck or anywhere where people can see it. When you forbid others the sight of your strings, you squeeze them into the most inner compartment of your heart. A hidden secret place no one can see.

Your heart keeps pumping. It keeps beating as long as you live.

You hide more and more strings inside your heart. The strings get tangled. Knots form. Endless knots that fill up the inner compartment of your heart, knots that knot together the linings and cells and tissues of your beating organ.

Knots that are filling up so much of the inner compartment that it can no longer contain any more strings, and new strings begin to take up other vacancies in your heart. Veins and arteries and tissues intertwine within the knots throughout the heart, slowing its beating, stopping its rhythm.

When you're heart stops beating properly, oxygenated blood and deoxygenated blood cannot be transported and exchanged efficiently.

And then, you suffocate.

Friday, 11 December 2015

One In A Million

Even when I stopped talking to you.
Even when I started avoiding you.
Even when I swore at you.
Even when I was curt and rude to you.
Even when I had someone else on my mind.
Even when I tore your fragile heart into pieces.
Even when I stopped telling you things.
Even when I unleashed my inner demons at you.
Even when I missed out a big part of your life.
Even when I went all emotional and weird in front of you.
Even when I snipped my long hair off.
Even when I wore basketball pants.
Even when I got an undercut.
Even when I was all hoodies and long jeans every college day.
Even when I am not at my best.
Even when I do not cook well.
Even when I stopped wearing dresses and skirts.
Even when I bite my nails.
Even when I am rough and clumsy.

You never change how you look at me.
You never judge me.
You never back out.
You never blame me.
You never hate me.
You never forget me.
You never give up.

You're my one in a million.

Thank you.

Tuesday, 19 May 2015

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

Have you ever tried giving everything you have to someone who means the world to you, yet in the end you realize you're nothing to that person? Have you ever felt like you're almost there, but when the harsh truth slaps you in the face, you wake up and realize that everything is just your foolish imagination?

Have you ever felt important to him or her, but harsh reality screams in your face that you're only being used?

Have you ever done something out of your comfort zone just for the sake of a person's happiness, and end up regretting over and over again?

Have you ever tried to meddle with fate and landed yourself in a pool of stupidity for messing with destiny?

Have you ever gone against your friends' advice and hold on to what you think is right, yet it turns out to be all wrong?

Have you ever wished you could just turn back time and decide not to start the whole thing in the first place?

I have had my heart broken for the very first time in my life. It's either no one's fault, or it's both sides' faults. There's no one side blaming kind of thing. There's no the wrong-er side. I keep telling myself that everyone has his or her own rights to do whatever he or she wants to, and I have no control over things. I keep reminding myself that people can choose. 

Even if it's going to hurt others.

People can choose for the sake of their own lives.

Keep telling myself that the world does not revolve around me.
That I have to go with what life offers me and throws at me.
That I have to learn to accept and embrace.
That I have to let go and move on.
That I have to forgive and forget.
That I have to think of myself too.

I just feel so stupid for caring too much about someone who doesn't even give a damn about me. I have left my heart vulnerable enough to be torn into pieces by tiny matters which I am not even supposed to even care about.

Oh fuck it. I have now sewn it back although it's a little disfigured but it's well protected and locked up. I'm going to save it for the right surgeon who'll know how to fix it perfectly. 

Yeah right. Girls and their prince charming dreams.

I'm going to keep those scars as a remembrance of the inner battles that were once within me. Those scars as a reminder for me to make the right choice, the right decision.

It's true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.



Saturday, 4 October 2014

Lost

I never expected A levels to be so hard.

It's like no matter how much you study, it's never enough.

Maybe I'm not hardworking enough. Or not smart enough. But all that I know is I don't like what I'm studying right now. And I'm not sure what to do with my life anymore as reality creeps in and plops itself down right in front of me.

In class, I keep slipping off during lectures. Like I'm listening and paying attention then suddenly I get lost while the teacher goes on with the lesson.

I get pressure from the people around me. There are so many extremely smart thinkers around me, and they could understand what the teacher had taught after a lecture while I'm still in the midst of being blur and confused. And I keep wondering why others could do it while I could not. Is it a matter of the ability, or is it just a matter of attitude? We all study the same thing, the same lecturers, the same syllables, but why, why can others excel while I still remain slow and trying hard but in vain to grasp myself to the same level as the others?

And I still don't have a single idea on what I want to pursue in the future.

I just don't know. Maybe I need a longer time to cope with all my burdens.

Maybe I'm just thinking too much.

I really don't know. I feel so lost, so freaking lost.

But I know and I'm sure that there's still one thing that will always keep me moving on, even if I can feel my world crashing in. Faith.

Tuesday, 10 June 2014

I Let Him Go

I did.

We met each other when I was in Form 1 and he was in Form 3. It happened during a Red Crescent camp in school. I was a member and he was an AJK. And the first time he saw me, he was my victim and I was his first aider.

Maybe it was fate. Destiny. Or love at first sight for him.

After camp ended, he added me on Facebook and MSN. He asked me if it was weird to ask for my phone number. Smiling at the other end of MSN, I shook my head and gave it to him. He asked me if it would be weird to buy me souvenirs from Korea which he would be going to for vacation. He didn't know me well, but he wanted to buy me something from far away.

He got me a Korean bookmark and little Korean figurines.

When I was in Form 2, I received my first Valentine's gift. From him. He said he wanted to borrow me his book and asked me to meet him outside the school hall. And when I did, he gave me the book, with a bar of Cadbury beneath it. I love chocolate, and he knew it. My heart was about to explode on the inside while I remained calm and cool on the outside. When I walked away, I couldn't help but let my pumping device flutter in joy.

In Form 3, he gave me a Wimpy Kid story book and a bar of chocolate for Valentines. And on my 15th birthday that year, he organized a surprise birthday party for me. It takes a lot of effort for someone to organize something, you know, especially a party. But he did it anyway for me. He even had his mum bake a birthday cake for me. And he gave me beautiful silver bracelet as a birthday gift in a love-shaped box filled with more than a hundred paper stars he folded himself.

He sacrificed a lot of his precious time for me. Everytime when I had to wait for my parents to come and pick me up from school or something, he waited with me until my car came. Everytime I had to walk to SJK Chung Hua from my school after class ended, he followed me like a bodyguard, even when Christina walked with me. He wanted to protect me, to keep me from harm. He wanted to keep me safe and sound.

He trusted me. No matter what I did, he trusted me real deep. He accepted me for who I was, the girl who seldom replied his messages, the girl who wore saggy clothes, the girl who did not know how to cherish.

There was this one time where I made a deal with him. If he got top 3 in his class, I promised to go out for a movie with him. And he did. He studied real hard and made it there. For that deal which I didn't keep.

After he finished his Form 5, he gave me all his workbooks and reference books which were very useful and helpful. For free. One big box of them. He gave them to me instead of his younger brother. He even bought some from his friends and added them to that box of books.

He was a really nice guy. A guy who was dedicated and committed and kind and...you name it. He treated me like I was the only girl in the world to him. Woah. But I treated him like bullshit. I was wrong. I bailed out. I did not think clearly. I was being freaking stupid.

But when it's all over and the line's drawn with permanent ink, there's nothing else you can do anymore to fix those broken pieces. It's like saying you want to turn back time. But that's impossible.

And all you're left with is regret.

Maybe it was destiny. Maybe it was fate.

Maybe it was a lesson for me to never repeat the same mistake ever again.