This is complicated. I mean, feelings. You're feeling a feeling which you're not supposed to be feeling. It's like someone died and you're happy that the person passed away because he or she no longer has to suffer in this cruel sick world and yet everyone around you is mourning in extreme grief. And then you start to think that something is wrong with you because you're feeling differently. And then people start to think that something is wrong with you too.
Like you get jealous and envious of friends who had achieved great things when you know you're supposed to feel proud and happy for them.
And the hardest part about the whole thing is hiding. Trying to bury them away. All your true inner feelings at that exact moment. Imagine each feeling as a smooth piece of string you tie onto your finger or wrist or neck or anywhere where people can see it. When you forbid others the sight of your strings, you squeeze them into the most inner compartment of your heart. A hidden secret place no one can see.
Your heart keeps pumping. It keeps beating as long as you live.
You hide more and more strings inside your heart. The strings get tangled. Knots form. Endless knots that fill up the inner compartment of your heart, knots that knot together the linings and cells and tissues of your beating organ.
Knots that are filling up so much of the inner compartment that it can no longer contain any more strings, and new strings begin to take up other vacancies in your heart. Veins and arteries and tissues intertwine within the knots throughout the heart, slowing its beating, stopping its rhythm.
When you're heart stops beating properly, oxygenated blood and deoxygenated blood cannot be transported and exchanged efficiently.
And then, you suffocate.
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