Anything For You But This

This post is going to sound offensive to some people. 

I don't hate church. I just don't like going there.

It's tiring, you know, trying to believe in things that I don't really want to. Trying to commit myself to something I don't even prioritize. I can use all that time to SLEEP. Or to do other things that I am more interested in.  

Going to church is of course a responsibility to all Christians, a dedication and commitment to God whereby a Christian attends Sunday sermons to learn about God's words, to learn about the gospel, to attend the Holy Communion, and to strengthen his faith. To me, nothing changes whether I go or not go to church. I listen to preaches and sermons, but sometimes some things just don't make sense. There's no explanation to it, and it can be unacceptable for me. I know that not everything has an explanation, but in reality there are particular scenarios or events where everyone can accept without further questioning. In Christianity, there are still several happenings that I find it hard to accept, to believe in.

Stubborn me. But that's just the way it is to me. I have no intention of criticizing religious perceptions, histories, written facts and teachings. There is no wrong to believe in them. It all depends on the person.

Let's say, the power of prayers. Most of my friends believe in that. Once or twice, I did too. But as I grow I realize how powerful the mind can create things, to manipulate us into believing anything that satisfies us. Right now at this stage of life, for me, believing that God answered your prayer or God sent you a message is equivalent to your mind trying to make up an imaginary answer as a confirmation for you so you don't regret or feel any guilt at all in making a particular move or taking a particular action. And there's this thing that kinda bothers me. Whose prayer will God answer when both prayers are made at the same time? If a person prays for rain for a sign of confirmation, and when it rains, that person gets his answer. But what if, at the same time, there's that poor kid who has to walk home from school, soaked in rain, shivering in the cold? Fair enough?

To be honest, some things are just pure bullshit for me. 

*No offense*

But I have to try changing my perception of such pessimism to look at things as a glowing sun that can make flowers grow and bunnies hopping everywhere in green meadows. 

I'm trying for you.

Burnout

Burnout = physical or mental collapse due to overwork or stress

I guess I am almost close to that right now at this stage of med school. You'd probably be thinking, it's only your first year and first semester, and you're already burning out? 

It is solely peer pressure that is suffocating me. I keep asking myself questions like: Why can't I finish even a single past year paper while some finished a whole set? Why can't I remember as much as that person? Why do I not know this but he does? Why doesn't that person get tired or sleepy even he slept for only 3 hours while I do very easily even though I slept for 6 hours?

Maybe I'm just envious and jealous. Maybe I am not working diligently enough. Maybe I cannot accept the fact that my limits are there and I am in no position to compare with others. Maybe I should not compare and just focus on what I am able to do now. Maybe I am just not smart enough.

Most people in medicine school are super smart and this is a fact no one can deny. There are those who can answer almost every question you hurl at them; those who remember every single detail permanently in lecture slides; those who know a whole lot than what my walnut sized brain can retain; those who are always on the move and are efficiently updated; and those who don't come to lectures but can still pass exams with flying colors. I am neither one.

Are these the qualities of a true doctor? Am I in the right place? This thought haunts me and it haunts me more when exams are near, the period where you can see the power of hardworking people and smart people and genius people.

I just get so scared of being the one who will be lagging behind everything. I am so scared of failing medical school. I just feel like I cannot be certain of what I am doing right now, for example, studying. From what I heard from different people, there are those who study more than lecture notes, which means they study thick medical books, while I am racing with time to finish only lecture notes. Then, there are those who do group studying and work together to integrate everything that they have learned, while I do self studying. Some make their own notes, some do not do notes at all. All these make me doubt myself and my own methods of studying. I just don't know. 

Of course, it's not anyone's fault for being smarter or more hardcore or born genius. It's not anyone's fault for what I feel right now. It is my own control over my perception of this whole matter.

Heart Knots

This is complicated. I mean, feelings. You're feeling a feeling which you're not supposed to be feeling. It's like someone died and you're happy that the person passed away because he or she no longer has to suffer in this cruel sick world and yet everyone around you is mourning in extreme grief. And then you start to think that something is wrong with you because you're feeling differently. And then people start to think that something is wrong with you too.

Like you get jealous and envious of friends who had achieved great things when you know you're supposed to feel proud and happy for them.

And the hardest part about the whole thing is hiding. Trying to bury them away. All your true inner feelings at that exact moment. Imagine each feeling as a smooth piece of string you tie onto your finger or wrist or neck or anywhere where people can see it. When you forbid others the sight of your strings, you squeeze them into the most inner compartment of your heart. A hidden secret place no one can see.

Your heart keeps pumping. It keeps beating as long as you live.

You hide more and more strings inside your heart. The strings get tangled. Knots form. Endless knots that fill up the inner compartment of your heart, knots that knot together the linings and cells and tissues of your beating organ.

Knots that are filling up so much of the inner compartment that it can no longer contain any more strings, and new strings begin to take up other vacancies in your heart. Veins and arteries and tissues intertwine within the knots throughout the heart, slowing its beating, stopping its rhythm.

When you're heart stops beating properly, oxygenated blood and deoxygenated blood cannot be transported and exchanged efficiently.

And then, you suffocate.