I guess I am almost close to that right now at this stage of med school. You'd probably be thinking, it's only your first year and first semester, and you're already burning out?
It is solely peer pressure that is suffocating me. I keep asking myself questions like: Why can't I finish even a single past year paper while some finished a whole set? Why can't I remember as much as that person? Why do I not know this but he does? Why doesn't that person get tired or sleepy even he slept for only 3 hours while I do very easily even though I slept for 6 hours?
Maybe I'm just envious and jealous. Maybe I am not working diligently enough. Maybe I cannot accept the fact that my limits are there and I am in no position to compare with others. Maybe I should not compare and just focus on what I am able to do now. Maybe I am just not smart enough.
Most people in medicine school are super smart and this is a fact no one can deny. There are those who can answer almost every question you hurl at them; those who remember every single detail permanently in lecture slides; those who know a whole lot than what my walnut sized brain can retain; those who are always on the move and are efficiently updated; and those who don't come to lectures but can still pass exams with flying colors. I am neither one.
Are these the qualities of a true doctor? Am I in the right place? This thought haunts me and it haunts me more when exams are near, the period where you can see the power of hardworking people and smart people and genius people.
I just get so scared of being the one who will be lagging behind everything. I am so scared of failing medical school. I just feel like I cannot be certain of what I am doing right now, for example, studying. From what I heard from different people, there are those who study more than lecture notes, which means they study thick medical books, while I am racing with time to finish only lecture notes. Then, there are those who do group studying and work together to integrate everything that they have learned, while I do self studying. Some make their own notes, some do not do notes at all. All these make me doubt myself and my own methods of studying. I just don't know.
I just get so scared of being the one who will be lagging behind everything. I am so scared of failing medical school. I just feel like I cannot be certain of what I am doing right now, for example, studying. From what I heard from different people, there are those who study more than lecture notes, which means they study thick medical books, while I am racing with time to finish only lecture notes. Then, there are those who do group studying and work together to integrate everything that they have learned, while I do self studying. Some make their own notes, some do not do notes at all. All these make me doubt myself and my own methods of studying. I just don't know.
Of course, it's not anyone's fault for being smarter or more hardcore or born genius. It's not anyone's fault for what I feel right now. It is my own control over my perception of this whole matter.
